If You Teach a Fish to Read

OMFG PEOPLE. If you missed this week’s episode what in Ru’s name were you DOING?

Like seriously you better have a great excuse. You better have been curing all of the children of cancer. All of them.

For this week’s mini challenge it was a field trip to everyone’s favorite place – the LIBRARY, HUNTIES.

For the reading challenge, the girls served some serious humor and read each other to shreds, but it was Alaska who pummeled the rest of the girls into the ground and won the advantage of being able to place the other girls in order for the main challenge.

The girls were told it was a comedy challenge, but not just any live comedy challenge – the first ever RuPaul Roast!

The Roast

No one was safe when it came to the roast, not the judges, not the other girls, but the main event was the reading of RuPaul herself. Ru was basically like here’s this shovel call me when your grave is dug so i can slaughter you.

The girls read Ru in front of a live audience, so they RULLY had to bring it.

Nonetheless, the challenge was hilarious! The guest judges were little Leslie Jordan (see Beverly Lesley from Will and Grace) and Jeffrey Moran (this tired old queen again?)

Alaska opened the show hilariously, attacking Lesley and then coming for Ru’s age – the judges thought she was hilarious, but needed to dig deeper since she was opening the show, and they weren’t crazy about her outfit always looking so similar (like Alaska…we love you. seriously, we LOVE you…but gurl…you do know there are more than 1 wig in the world right? Like there are others…for sale…like you can buy them…)

Jinkx was also hilarious (obvs) and Michelle had the audience on pins and needles when she finally revealed that she loved Jinkx’s outfit for the first time and she was so proud of her for bringing the glamor.

Coco was hilarious as well, thought not our favorite, as Ru’s long lost hoodrat cousin. But bitch looked the part and delivered the jokes with such sincerity that they worked.

Detox was middle of the pack, though humorous, but Ivy, Alyssa, and Roxxxy really failed to get many laughs from the judges or the audience. Painful to watch, but unsuprising.

When it came time to Lip Sync For Their Lives, Ivy was safe, and Alyssa and Roxxxy had to come for each other to the legendary Willow Smith: “Whip My Hurzes” (for the non drag queens, Hurzes translates to “Hair.” Read a book.)

So we’re sitting there, waiting, the song starts, Roxxxy shimmies her skirt down it’s all looking cute. And then…

Yes. Yes people. Roxxxy pulls her hurzes off to reveal ANOTHER WIG and proceeds to whip her hurzes the house DOWN.

Meanwhile…Alyssa brought it too, using her wig as a deadly weapon, and the other girls had no idea who would take this one.

And we were like…

After the lip sync, the drama continued as Roxxxy had the breakdown we’ve been waiting for all season. She revealed how she never feels good enough or wanted, and that her mother left her at a bus stop when she was 3 and she remembers it like it was yesterday.

Ru teared up and spread her wisdom, and, as we all hoped, announced that the girls (unlike Vivienne and Honey) both showed her the hunger and passion that they have to win, and neither was eliminated.

Seriously…does anyone have a tissue…or a cigarette…

On a more serious and sad note, the drag community lost one of the fiercest entertainers, Erica Andrews, Monday night before the episode aired on Logo. Erica was Roxxxy’s drag mother, and we know she would have been so proud of her for performance. Our thoughts go out to Roxxxy and the entire House of Andrews.

RIP Diva ❤

So Dragcited

This week the girls were girls were mini-challenged to apply their face in a total blackout.

How this was done, we don’t even know.  We were pretty sure that Coco Montrese thought nothing of this challenge, seeing as how she probably gets dressed and made up in the dark anyway….

Somehow, Detox beat her face to near perfection and won the mini challenge. Though Alaska should have gotten some serious points for creativity, the lipstick-smeared-on-your-cheek-and-teeth is really in this year…in Pittsburgh…maybe.

For the main challenge, Ru channeled his inner Michael Jackson as the leader of a supergroup who had to write and record their own 80’s anthem, “We Are the World” style, called “Can I Get an Amen”.

In a veiled (pun!) attempt at boring us with even more of Coco and Alyssa’s drama, Detox paired the quarreling queens together, resulting in some WE DON’T CARE.

Coco and Alyssa were assigned the first verse of the song, Jade, Ivy and Jinkx got the next verse, and Rolaskatox got to write the bridge. Really smart move – the bridge is where you shake things up a bit.

Coco started throwing all kinds of whiney shade (apparently that’s her move) about how UNFAIR it all was and how Detox was RUINING HER LIFE  by making her go first and pairing her with snaggle face.

After some more babbling about how her looks have to be more polished than everyone else’s and she spends 8 thousand nights a week on stage in Las Vegas because she’s Miss Gay USNobody…we still didn’t care.

On the other hand, Alyssa, who can’t even sing, had fun with the challenge and the judges appreciated her attempt.

But the true glory of the music video were Ivy and Jinkx who could SANGGGG and belted their pipes in their verse and provided killer riffs over Ru’s chorus.

Jade was mellow on set, with Roxxxy and Detox also failing to bring it, but Alaska was fierce and serving 80’s humor that went apparently unappreciated by the judges.

THE RUNWAY

The BeltersJinkx Monsoon
Hilarious, yet she contoured a bit too much, but she threw some serious shade Michelle’s way with a hilarious campy look, not to mention she yawned like she was OVER all of the tired ass glamour comments from her.

 Detox
Detox looked sleek and slender, but then bitch really brought it home when she turned around to get caught in one of the biggest crack deals in FBI Herstory.

Roxxxy
Roxxxy was serving bodyodyody with a side dish of massive hair, blowing the guest judges away.

Ivy
Ivy really nailed this look by making a dress entirely out of photos of herself giving face, face, face. Talk about a diva. We loved every minute of it, and she looked flawless

The Off Key

Jade
We’re so sorry sweetheart because you are a lovely girl…but why? Just why? Muppet hair doesn’t grow on boobs for a reason. At least when Rainbow Brite went through puberty, the bitch had the decency to trim.

Alyssa
This week really served….zzZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzZZZzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…..

Coco
Let’s leave it to Sharon from now on, shall we?

The Autotuned (just okay)

 Alaska
We love you girl, but you have to be able to pummel the runway. You in chainz, honey.

The girls were mostly read to filth, with the exception of Ivy, who won the challenge. Jinkx was criticized yet again by Michelle (jealous much?). Alaska was called out for putting too much focus on being part of a clique and not worrying enough about herself, and for the first time was compared by the judges to her ladyboyfirned Sharon Needles, who they said had more of a heart.

Ivy won the challenge (yayyyy) and Coco and Jade fell into the bottom two, having to perform the Pointer Sisters’s Legendary “So Excited.”

Both really amazed with the energy they brought to the song. Jade’s body hair was twirling all over that stage, but unfortunately for the young starlet, Coco brought it up to the next level, and Jade went sashaying away.

Stay tuned for next week when the girls have to channel their inner comedienne to roast RuPaul herself!

Survey Says: Snatch Game

The week we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived!

For the mini challenge, the girls had to dragify a Snuggie knock off into high fashion realness. Some of the queens ruled this challenge: Coco, Detox, Alaska (lets be real you all loved her lion realness mask) and Alyssa all looked good in a “formerly gorgeous now old mistress of a geisha house in a pink kimono kind of way.”

After the mini challenge, Ru told the girls exactly what they wanted to hear: this week’s main challenge would be the Snatch Game.

Alyssa wasn’t too thrilled though, but as Jinkx reminded her, you KNOW Snatch Game is coming when you audition for the show. Every contestant should have prepared a character (we already have ours. Justin = either Paula Dean or Sharon Osbourne, and Martin = either Britney or Sophia Vergara, GET INTO IT).

The panel was slightly underwhelming compared to last year, but definitely better than season three’s train wreck of a game show.

Jinkx KILLED it as Little Edie and definitely made everyone who’s never seen Grey Gardens go out and watch it. She was hilarious and like a true improv star played off of the other girls’ mistakes.

Alaska looked JUST like Lady Bunny and really nailed her personality. Her voice did sound a little bit like a dying bullfrog, but we don’t hold that against her.

Roxxxy’s Tamar Braxton was actually hilarious, while some others, mainly Ivy’s Marilyn, Detox’s Ke$ha, and Leneysha’s train wreck impersonation of Celia Cruz made us cringe. I’m sorry Ivy but you missed an opportunity for a Kennedy joke that Ru HANDED you on a silver platter, and let Jinkx take the glory).

Alyssa. What was with that Katy Perry? Come on, girr. How hard is it to be a blowup doll?

The safe girls were Alyssa (who was basically a plastic bag drifting through the wind, but had immunity this week), Jade who did a pretty good job of Taylor Swift, and Coco, who looked and sounded JUST like Janet Jackson, which is why she should be totes mort that she was only just safe, and not funny at all.

THE RUNWAY

The Sharks

Roxxxy Andrews
On the runway, Roxxxy owned everything, her clothes were right, her hair was right, it was a special delivery of diva.

Ivy Winters
Ivy’s goldfish inspired gown was cute and punny. Suffice to say, this was definitely what saved her from landing in the bottom two this week.

Jade Jolie
Loved Jade’s dominatrix look (minus the boots with the fur. Those needed to GO)

The Chicken of the Sea

Detox
Detox was the biggest let down on the runway…sorry but Jelly Fish realness. That’s not even a thing.

Alyssa Edwards
Same makeup every week. As Jade pointed out on Untucked, Alyssa is driving a BMW tonight (Body. Made. Wrong). 

Coco Montrese
This looks like a combination of Chad Michaels’ one piece from last year and Kenya Michaels’ Nicki Minaj look(s). Combined…it just looks tired. 

Lineysha
Looks beautiful, but is as sharp as she is smart. Also the one leg/one arm in lace throws the whole thing off balance.

To no one’s surprise, Jinkx won the challenge despite Michelle telling her she isn’t bringing enough glam to the runway, but whatever, she’s hilarious and you can all just DEAL.

Let’s face it, RuPaul and friends have always favored the glamazons. It’s getting a little old – variety is the spice of life AND drag. We could use more queens like Jinkx.

When it came time for the bottom, Ivy’s goldfish greatness saved her drowning Marilyn, and she was safe, putting Lineysha up against Detox. We knew this was gonna be good! Detox is one of the fiercest to ever be on the show, and we know Lineysha can turn it out when she wants to, and the two brought Cher the house down.

Now everyone knows Cher is Justin’s deity and number 1 diva goddess and that after the nuclear Apocalypse all that’ll be left living on earth will be cockroaches and Cher, seated on a throne made of lesser, basic bitches and their flopped albums. But, they really did pick the worst Cher song out there.

“Take Me Home,” her one attempt at Disco, was a number 1 hit in 1979 but that doesn’t mean we needed to hear it.

Tangent aside…both queens were fierce during this lip sync, but we have to say, Detox worked that bad costume out for the performance and served us the C.U.N.T we expect in our next drag superstar.

Lineysha was sent packing and no one lost sleep over it.

Somewhere in Pittsburgh, Sharon Needles is cackling manically as she sees that the hex she put on Lineysha worked. Never come for a witch’s girlfriend in an episode of Untucked.

Pittsburgh queens= 1, Puerto Rican queens= 0 with no title yet. What is that word Lineysha used? Desastre?

Next week the girls have to work together to record a “We Are The World” style charity song, and LAWD knows these bitches probably can’t sing a note. Should be interesting…

The TuckCracker

This week, the girls cut a mug and showed us that they have all the right moves in an episode all about the art of dance.

During the Disco-themed mini challenge, Ru proved that he’s still the Dancing Queen,while the girls had to werq to “Jealous of My Boogie (Ruru & Rozy Disco Mix)”, with Jinkx and Coco winning the dance off and the spots of team captains.  Take a seat, Beyonce.

Ru challenged the queens to channel their inner Natalie Portwomen and put on a ballet production of RuPaul’s life, “No Rupologies,” calling each of them to portray characters in Mother Drag’s legendary life.

For the 2nd week in a row, Vivienne was put on a team with Roxxxy, and for the first time let us know how much she could not stand her. Vivienne, no one cares that you don’t like Roxxxy because she wants all eyes on her…If you don’t want all eyes on you, you are not America’s Next Drag Superstar, you are just another basic bitch, and you need to go home.

The standout queens for us this week were Alaska and Alyssa – Alaska killed the role of Ru’s mother by serving the most dramatic face we’ve seen in a drag minute (appx.= 1 mortal hour).

While Alyssa used her dancer background to her advantage and slayed the runway with her version of evil Ru.

The queens performed their ballet for two big dance show alums – “So You Think You Can Dance’s” Travis Wall and “Dancing With The Stars’s” Chaz Bono.

Not that we needed to be reminded.

THE RUNWAY

The Beautiful Swans

Detox
This bitch keeps giving us high fashion and consistently delivers killer looks to the runway.

Jinkx Monsoon
Jinkx served us The Fame era Gaga and we were gagging on her steampunk power romp. The judges didn’t eat it up but um…what do they know?

Alaska
Sweety, dahhhling!! We were living for this look. It was the perfect blend of Fran Drescher glam, AbFab eleganza and Pittsburgh trash

The Ugly Ducklings

Honey Mahogany
Now we know that Honey clearly doesn’t care about her look…like…at all…but the bedsheets have gotten tired. We’ve been saying this for weeks, and tonight was no different, Honey is boring and one of the few remaining queens that can’t contend.

Vivienne Pinay
Vivienne Pinay was basic at best on the runway, it was simple, plain, and didn’t show us any talent, not to mention she bored us in the ballet. As fishy as she is, she is not giving us the over the top fashion or larger than life personality that a good drag queen can turn out in her sleep. Also, Vivienne, you’re gorgeous but you are not THE fishiest or most beautiful. Her name is Tatianna, THINK YOU.

Lineysha Sparx
Hear us out. Yes, she is outstanding from an aesthetic standpoint, but we’re afraid she has a bit of the Latrice Royale gown fever. It’s just a lot of the same every week. Worst of all, though, is that her personality is “meh” at best, language barrier or not.

Now, our favorite question of every season! The girls were asked to say who they’d like to send home and why. While mostly everyone said Vivienne and Honey (and let’s be rihannest, those two are the two remaining that don’t have a chance), Alyssa threw Jade under the bus, and she wasn’t even on stage to defend herself. That did not impress us.

In the end, it fell to Honey and Vivienne (shocking…) to LSFYL to the legendary “Oops!…I Did It Again” and within seconds we could tell neither of them had the drive to pull out all the stops. We were like…

Yas it’s a Britney song!

But…wait..oh…

How they managed to F this song up, we don’t know…but ladies, here’s a lesson on how to do it right:

The entire crowd at Boxers NYC was shouting to send them both home, and low and behold, Ru made herstory yet again by asking both of them to sashay away!!!!!

So queens, beware. Desecrate the legacy of the Godney and you will incur the wrath of the drag godesses.

Next week, the Snatch Game! Who do you think will go home next?

It’s a Beautiful Day In The Gayborhood

This week, following the totally necessary and unsurprising elimination of Serena Cha Cha, who no one will miss or care for ever again, Ru made the girls channel their best Sesame Street acting chops. Somewhere in New York City, Manila Luzon is wearing her Big Bird costume, sipping wine out of a Teletubbies sippy cup in a dimly lit room while putting safety pins through a RuPaul doll.

For the mini challenge, Ru had the girls bring their future spawn to life and turn them into Honey BooBoo wannabees for a little ladyboy’s drag show.

Far and away the leaders of this challenge were Team Detox (portraying a hilarious Rachel Zoe) and Roxxxy, and Team Alaska and Lineysha, but let’s all be Rihannest for a second…Alaska carried them, and they won the mini challenge.

For the main challenge, the girls had to split in teams of two led by Lineysha and Alaska to create children’s shows. And of course, in RPDR style, the shows were filled with more sexual innuendo than PeeWee Herman and Spongebob combined, and had to include a fun song, a word of the day, and a life lesson.

Alaska’s team was pretty hilarious, with the exception of Monica Beverly Hillz who fizzled…again. Can we just say, the bitch had her lines in front of her in a book and she couldn’t read them. 5 G’s please. Thanks.

Alaska’s character, Buffalo Bill, was read to filth by the judges for not appearing in drag. But how can it have been all that bad if she was paying homage to the fiercest mother tucker of our generation; have we all forgotten Buffalo Bill’s man-gina? We’re fairly certain he pioneered the tuck in the 90’s. Ancient Chinese secret? Yeah, okay.

Ru and Michelle were way too hard on Alaska – she can obviously DO drag, what does she need to prove? Also with the way some of them were dressed it was obvious no one cared about their looks. If she had thrown a mop on her head and called it a wig no one would have blinked twice.

Meanwhile Detox’s chicken wiped the floor with Raven’s incarnation from the season 2 country acting challenge.

Jinkx Monsoon also nailed the challenge, and later revealed that her grandma bought her her first pink wig at 17, and is one of the biggest reasons she’s been able to do drag so long.

Such a beautiful story, no?

Up next, what we hoped to be the biggest shade since Beyonce sold Kelly and Michelle to Satan himself for her career, turned out to be exactly what we were, in fact, expecting: boring trite drama between tired old queens. Alyssa and Coco started fighting and whining about something that no one cares about. After some swearing and finger pointing, all we know is that we’re officially team Alyssa.

THE RUNWAY

LIVING!

Roxxxy, Alaska, and Detox
On the runway, Rolaskatox killed it (as expected), and all were mostly in the top, with Detox taking the win. Whether or not Alaska was top or bottom was never really confirmed. They hated her boy drag, but lived for her runway look.

Honorable Mention

Jinkx Monsoon
The outfit could have gone either way, but we do have to say that we adore Jinkx. There’s a very sincere quality about her that we love.

NURSE!

Honey MahogaNO
We’re over this one. She doesn’t impress us, especially when she comes out stampeding like an elephant in a pink maternity moo moo. Honey should take some pointers from a much more sick’ning drag queen, Aquadisiac, to learn how to really model walk.

Monica Beverly Hillz
No thanks. The flower thing around her neck was too busy – did she not take note when Serena ChoCha got read for her choke collar? Unfortunately, she’s way too flat to be in this competition.

Vivienne Pinay
Okay, let’s be real. This is just a tutu. She looked cute and we really like her, but she’s relying too much on face and not enough on the rest of the package the winner should have.

The bottom spots went to Monica Beverly Hillz and Coco Montrese, after the most ridiculous ventriloquist dummy performance of all time.

When it came down to the LSFYL, to quote Michelle Visage, Coco was no joke, and tore it up with her performance of “When I Grow Up.” As annoying as we find Coco, bitch turned it, and Monica needed to go home.

Now all that’s left is to see Honey mahogany sashay away before it’s really anyone’s game.

OOH NO SHE BETTA DON’T!

GIRRRRR, last night’s episode was on point! Or stilts, if you’re Ivy Winters.

It’s only the second episode of the season and these girls have come harder than we’ve ever seen.

This week was all about the art of the lipsync, kicking off with a mini-challenge not for the faint of DSL’s. Ru had the girls put their lips through a RuPaul-themed glory hole and LSFYL to three of her hits – Tranny Chaser, Ladyboy, and Peanutpeanutpeanutpeanutpeanutbutter.

Serena, Ivy and Detox won the mini challenge and each picked three different teams for the main challenge. That’s when Ru blessed us with one of the most genius challenges yet:  the girls had to recreate iconic scenes from Untucked by playing former RPDR royalty and lipsyncing to spoken word.

Vivienne and Lineysha brought it as Tatianna and Tyra (respectively) in the wedding dress challenge (why you tawkin?!), while Coco Montrese revived the only good thing Lashauwn Beyond ever did, and reminded us that this is not Rupaul’s Best Friend Race.

The secret star of the main challenge was Roxxxy, who could have been Mariah Paris Balenciaga and you’d never even know it wasn’t the real her, while Alyssa and Jinkx KILLED it as Shangela and Mimi Imfurst.

Alaska and Detox’s recreation of the infamous Phi Phi vs Sharon Untucked fight also had us gagging, with Alaska looking like an over-baked, messier Snooki…so…basically an exact replica of PhiPhi. We wish her voice had the capacity to squeal ten octaves higher like PhiPhi’s, but she still turned it.

THE RUNWAY
On the runway, everyone but Serena ChaCha turned it out. The real stars of this runway were the guest judges, Kristen Johnston and Juliette Lewis. The highlight was when Kristen READ Santino to Jujubee levels of filth at the judge’s table.

The “YAAAASSS”

Roxxxy
Certainly we weren’t the only ones who were oddly turned on….right? We were living for this sexy, juicy couture (cooter if you’re adventurous). Santos wants to call her Chewbaca…which is ironic because we were pretty sure he was James Earl Jones’s understudy in his Vader days.

Ivy
Serving STILTettos for days, Ivy had our jaws on the floor with her outfit. Truth be told, Ivy is an artist – between her fire breathing, stilts and other wacky pieces we’ve seen from her, we think she has the talent to go far in this competition. Not to mention, she is one of the nicest drag queens like..ever. Between Ivy and Jade, this runway was a full ring circus.

Jade Jolie
There’s only two types of people in the world: the sickening, and the Serena Chachas. Jade Jolie is one of the former.

We’re pretty sure that she snatched this out of Britney’s closet while B was at Starbucks. All we can say is…can we have one in Martin’s size?

Jinkx Monsoon 
We just love Seattle’s youngest MILF. We love her energy and her personality. As friend of J&M, White Chocolate Drizzle, said, Jinkx Monsoon gave us some Fifth Element rullness this week. We live!

Like…no

Serena Chacha
You could go parachuting in those abuelita panties.

Monica Beverly Hillz
We’re glad Monica got this out of the clearance section from the Ricky’s Halloween store before they closed for the year.

Honey Mahogany
Florence Henderson, what are you doing here and what’s wrong with your boobs?

When it came down to it, Monica Beverly Hillz was read for not bringing the ghetto attitude everyone remembers from Jiggly Caliente, and she confessed her deepest secret in a highly emotional moment, and what we were all expecting from this queen: she’s a transgendered woman.

After Ru reminded Monica that at the end of the day she is in the competition because she is fierce, Monica brought the house down in the LSFYL against Serena ChaCha. Everyone can direct their thank you notes directly to Monica Beverly Hillz for finally sending that little rugrat home.

We have to say, after this week, it really is anybody’s game. These queens brought it, and all have talent in their own right. As Coco Montrese reminded Serena in Untucked, these queens don’t have time for little boys, and they will eat them alive.

It’s still early, but we’re dying to know…who’s in your top three right now?

V for Very Sickening: Season 5

Alright hookers. We’re back and ready to read this new set of contestants, the house down. Is it us, or does every season get more and more epic? Get into it.

After having a couple of months to warm up to this set of queens, we’re happy to say that (for the most part) they didn’t disappoint.

Our favorite entrances?

Detox made us queen (bee) OUT.

Also, hiiiiiii, can we TALK about Alaska’s gallop into the workroom. YAS.

Vivienne Pinay put us to work with her adorable dress and red shoes. Is it us, or does this bitch channel some Jujubee/Ongina lovechild rillness? That can only mean one thing – we’re obsessed.

Ivy Winters made a statement, warning the other queens to take caution because she will trample them all with her STILTettos.

Of course, the most dramatic entrance was Coco Montrease’s. Not because she looked sickening (it was just meh), but because they cued up their best slow-mo and Michael Bay soundtrack for our first morsel of drama this season. Apparently, Coco Montrease and Alyssa Edwards have some beef. And we can’t wait to find out because ZZzZzZzz.

Sorry, we pulled a Jynkx. We fell asleep because we realized that we don’t care what happened between them.

Coco is like that drunk spinster aunt who got most of her money by swindling men into marrying them and promptly divorcing them. Alyssa Edwards looks like an aardvark with fetal alcohol syndrome. We’d care more if they were prettier.

As usual, the first challenge was a photo shoot by the ever so dreamy Mike Ruiz. We gotta say, though…we miss the scruff, papi. The challenge called for each of the queens to teabag themselves into a tank representing RuPaul’s mouth.

Our favorite photos from the challenge were by far Vivienne (such poise!), Lineysha (high fashion fish!) and the challenge winner Detox (lookatdat sting-hay-gurl-hay!).

Photo shoot challenge winner and queen bee, Detox

Alaska gave up mid-dunk. We definitely had a Tyra Banks moment watching this

but it’s still early and she has time to redeem herself.

The Runway

After some casual dumpster diving (normal) and with the help of that fucking liar Camille, the queens stomped down the runway in their Hollywood Glamor Realness!

The Good:

Lineysha
Bitch, could you tell that she made this out of WALL PAPER? We couldn’t. She looked so elegant and her makeup looks flawless.

  Roxxxy
Our favorite of the night – and it looks like Ru and the judges agreed with us. It’s hard to pull off looking edgy and polished the way that Roxxxy has with this outfit. And oh my god, the paint job on her face. YAS!

Alaska
We know the other girls are gunning for this bitch. But you know what? She’s fierce. We don’t care who her boyfriend is and we don’t care how long it took her to get on the show. The other girls may call her a one-trick pony, but we like this trick. This dress looks designer, despite having been in a dumpster. Our only issue is with her inability to walk. Queens need to stomp!

Wrong Wrong Wrong!

Coco Channel was rolling in her grave with half of these queens. She always said “always take one thing off before leaving the house.” These hookers could have done with taking off at least five things before hitting the stage.

Penny Tration
No.

Alyssa Edwards
She should have taken half of her outfit off. Please. It was an eye sore.

Jade Jolie
We love Jade. She’s cute and we have seen some FIERCE looks from her on and off the show. But girrr, her outfit was not working. We would have taken off the shoes (no thanks, Dorothy!), the head piece and the NBC peacock on her shoulder. Ding, ding, wrong.

Serena Chacha
Serena, half the point of drag is to make us believe you have a chacha. Better queens have hit the runway without breasts and with a boyish look – Raja mastered it. But what Raja accomplished that Serena didn’t was compensating by looking fierce, elegant and feminine in other areas.

When the time had come for season V’s first LSFYL, Penny dated herself, and, unfamiliar with what the kids were listening to in Summer 2009, fell victim to Serena’s party in the USA. Bye Bye Penny, we didn’t hate you, but your runway look was a mess, you had side burns, and you obviously didn’t want this enough to learn a few lyrics.

We are SO excited for this season. Martin loves the fishy queens and Justin has a feeling that the competition will be tighter than the average tuck. How do you think this season will go?

The Super SquirrelFriends

Last week, the queens served us by far the best episode of All Stars – this marked the first time that we actually didn’t hate the team aspect of the season.

For the mini challenge, the girls put on their flyest Air Jordanas for a game of F-I-S-H.

Something tells us that wearing skirts and heels led to a “L” on Shad’s scorecard, giving Rujubee both a phone call home.

The Runway

This episode’s main challenge called for the top four to create comic book diva characters, back-story and all, and transform themselves from mild mannered super models into super heroines and villainesses of the world.

But first, the queens had to perform an opening number which (to nobody’s surprise) Shannel took over again.

Team Shad opted for the raunchy route, serving us some Lindsay Lohan groin realness with Chad’s Fire Crotch character and her arch nemesis, Shannel’s Lactasia. Not gonna lie, it was all kind of gross in theory.

Chad’s and Shannel’s daytime looks were a little too old AARP.Chad’s super hero execution was beautiful. She looked like Katniss Everdeen and Cher’s lovechild.

Shannel’s outfit was fine, even though it kind of looked like a cross between this:

AND THIS:

Rujubee’s story took us to the planet Solaris, where Jujubee’s character, Melanina, gave people the gift of tan skin with her magical TS Gun. The pale and bitter queen, So.Phia Fierce, as played by Raven, sought to condemn people to paleness by throwing her rays of shade at them.

Jujubee and Raven did the daytime look flawlessly.

Raven’s outfit as So.Phia was sexcellent, but Juju could have benefited from some more traditional super hero accessories.

While all the girls turned it out on the runway, the judges could not find a flaw with any of these top 4, but based on the judges majority (even though Michelle and both boobs were pulling for Rujubee) Ru chose Shad as the winner.

Rujubee broke into tears as they had to try to outperform each other to Robyn.

But proving the bonds of true friendship, our vixens couldn’t outshine each other, and stood by each others sides mouthing the song in what was by far the most emotional performance yet.

After the song, Ru had no choice but to keep both of the girls around for the finale, and the crowd at boxers lost their mother effing sh*t as they should…

Stay tuned readers, next week there are no more teams and its every diva for herself.

Monday Night Divas

We’re late. Again. Sorryboutit, but this time we were busy popping some ‘pagne in celebraysh of this week’s eliminaysh.

Alright. Let’s get into it.

Last night the girls were first challenged to become cheer leaders and create a “cheer-reading” routine. As we all know, Jujubee loves to read basic bitches to filth!

Shannel looked like a plastic surgery gone wrong victim during this challenge, but nonetheless, Shad delivered in full with their reading. And while Rujubee nailed it as well, Yarlexis won the mini challenge.

For the main challenge, the queens had to pair up with a celebrity to wow the judges with a group lipsync to a girl group version of one of Ru’s top songs, “Glamazon,” “Cover Girl,” and “Jealous of my Boogie.”

Kelly Osbourne joined Yarlexis, Kady Z was paired with Rujubee, and Shad were given the fierceeeeee Jillian Hervey (daughter of THE Wilhelmina SLAYS-HER).

In the workroom, Shannel was being a stiletto hog and choreographing the entire routine. We love her, but she doesn’t scream agile in any way. Shannel: showgirl, juggler, bossy bottom, but certainly not a dancer.

We found ourselves flashing back to season 1’s Destiny’s Child girl group challenge. But once again, her control paid off, and the queens looked sickening in a sexy bondage routine to “Glamazon.”

Kelly Osbourne rocked it with her group, expressing her joy at being a drag queen for the day. Let’s be rihannest, though. Kelly Osbourne was born a raging drag queen.

We must admit we were a bit disappointed with Yara to see the same wig we’ve seen a gazillion times go down the runway. How can you be in a girl group and only own one wig?

Rujubee had a minor setback with wannabe diva, Kady Z, who didn’t feel comfy in her big girl drag. She acted as though being contoured by Raven was like getting silicone injections in an alleyway in the slums of Rio. Nonetheless, Raven and Jujubee lip synced their hearts out and wowed us and the crowd.

The judges’ critiques were extremely nit-picky (what else is new), as nearly all the girls nailed it, but in the end, Shad won, and left Raven to lipsync against Alexis.

Alexis is absolutely no match to Raven in a lipsync, especially one that calls for any ounce of sensuality/poise/talent.

THEN…the mother FU*King sahddddde of. it. all.

Yara hit the button, letting everyone know that she didn’t think Alexis’s lip sync was up to snuff (it wasnt.) and that she could do a better job (she did.)

But in the end, no amount of Yarisma could outshine the legendary miss Raven.

Guys everywhere wish their girlfriends were hot like her.

So the lesson here, Yara Sofia, is to never, ever, ever:

And that ladies is the true T. What’ll happen next week? We honestly have no idea.

Butch Queen

Last night we were served a shocking episode from our all stars and we are still reeling. The theme of this week’s episode was “bad” and we have to say, some of the girls did bad very well.

The episode starts with Ru telling the queens that they need to deliver their best butch, bad boy look in RuPaul’s version of Guys with iPhones. The guys awkwardly draw some facial hair on and try to bring sexy back, but while most fail, Yarlexis takes home the mini challenge.

Once again, Yara carries these two. We’ve been saying this all season, and there’s nothing like an ugly mug to validate us.

For the main challenge, the queens were given 10 minutes each to pull pranks on passersby on Hollywood Blvd.

We were a bit confused. not sure when “pulling pranks” translated into getting people to walk you like a dog, but “dog” is definitely a description for some of these queens (cough, Alexis, cough).

While we’re on the subject, we just have to say, Alexis is a mess. Aside from Mimi, we can’t think another queen on the All Stars roster less deserving to be there than Alexis.

She has not grown one bit since the beginning of season three, she’s not funny, not sexy, not charismatic and it has zero to do with her being ESL. She needs to stop deluding herself into thinking that her immigrant status is the reason people think she’s a flop.

To quote Tatiana in this week’s FLAWLESSSSS Untucked segment, “Tea with Tati,” Yara gave her a free pass in season 3 by giving up, and she’s been carrying her team during All Stars (we repeat: WE’VE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL SEASON).

The Runway

“Look at all of those flaws!!” – things no one ever says about RuPaul.

On the main stage, the queens had to bring it, punk rock style, in their best bad girl drag.

Rujubee nailed it with Juju’s gothic chic and Ravens fierce Harajuku riding coat and crop, and girl you could not read her Joker Face.

Latrilla was a bit understated in the wardrobe department, but Latrice’s white makeup gave us Divine inspiration and Manila turned it out with her feathery headwear. This was a new look from Latrice (thanks Manila?) and we’re glad our girl is taking risks.

Yarlexis pulled out all the stops, but it was clear that Yara had her hand in Alexis’s entire look, from forcing her to wear creepy contacts to designing her face for her. While Yara’s dress screamed perfection, Alexis looked like an overgrown orangutan piñata.

Shad gave us exactly what we’ve been waiting for from them, serving dominatrix diva. Shannel worked it with a jeweled corset and Chad gave us some rough and toughness that she never fully delivered in her own season. Combined, these two turned it out.

This episode is always our favorite: the one where Ru asks the queens who they think should go home. Everyone says Yarlexis. When Alexis was asked, she pulled out a cheap blow at Latrice for being their “biggest” competition. It’s no wonder Latrice shot back at her inability to understand Yarlexis. Eye for an eye.

Alexis can’t take it like a big boy and goes off in rapid Spanish, shrieking like an immigrant Honey Boo Boo on amphetamines.

Once again, Alexis concludes that people don’t look at them as competition because they are immigrants. And once again, we’re all like:

You’re not competition because half your teams sucks, y’all.

Based on the main challenge on the streets of LA, Shad won this week’s challenge. Somehow that we can’t fathom at all, Yarlexis was safe, and it was Manila vs Juju in the LSFYL.

Now, for the first time in a while, we’ve grown to love Manila, but there is no way that our hometown diva bee Juju was going home last night. She lipsyncs flawlessly, and consistently, and she’s here to kill. Like, let’s talk about the whip action she had going on. She was basically like

And so it was that Manila and Latrice had to sashay away, leaving only 3 teams left. If you want our opinion (and you do) Yarlexis will be the next to go, and once it comes down to Juju, Raven, Chad, and Shannel, it’s anybody’s game.