If You Teach a Fish to Read

OMFG PEOPLE. If you missed this week’s episode what in Ru’s name were you DOING?

Like seriously you better have a great excuse. You better have been curing all of the children of cancer. All of them.

For this week’s mini challenge it was a field trip to everyone’s favorite place – the LIBRARY, HUNTIES.

For the reading challenge, the girls served some serious humor and read each other to shreds, but it was Alaska who pummeled the rest of the girls into the ground and won the advantage of being able to place the other girls in order for the main challenge.

The girls were told it was a comedy challenge, but not just any live comedy challenge – the first ever RuPaul Roast!

The Roast

No one was safe when it came to the roast, not the judges, not the other girls, but the main event was the reading of RuPaul herself. Ru was basically like here’s this shovel call me when your grave is dug so i can slaughter you.

The girls read Ru in front of a live audience, so they RULLY had to bring it.

Nonetheless, the challenge was hilarious! The guest judges were little Leslie Jordan (see Beverly Lesley from Will and Grace) and Jeffrey Moran (this tired old queen again?)

Alaska opened the show hilariously, attacking Lesley and then coming for Ru’s age – the judges thought she was hilarious, but needed to dig deeper since she was opening the show, and they weren’t crazy about her outfit always looking so similar (like Alaska…we love you. seriously, we LOVE you…but gurl…you do know there are more than 1 wig in the world right? Like there are others…for sale…like you can buy them…)

Jinkx was also hilarious (obvs) and Michelle had the audience on pins and needles when she finally revealed that she loved Jinkx’s outfit for the first time and she was so proud of her for bringing the glamor.

Coco was hilarious as well, thought not our favorite, as Ru’s long lost hoodrat cousin. But bitch looked the part and delivered the jokes with such sincerity that they worked.

Detox was middle of the pack, though humorous, but Ivy, Alyssa, and Roxxxy really failed to get many laughs from the judges or the audience. Painful to watch, but unsuprising.

When it came time to Lip Sync For Their Lives, Ivy was safe, and Alyssa and Roxxxy had to come for each other to the legendary Willow Smith: “Whip My Hurzes” (for the non drag queens, Hurzes translates to “Hair.” Read a book.)

So we’re sitting there, waiting, the song starts, Roxxxy shimmies her skirt down it’s all looking cute. And then…

Yes. Yes people. Roxxxy pulls her hurzes off to reveal ANOTHER WIG and proceeds to whip her hurzes the house DOWN.

Meanwhile…Alyssa brought it too, using her wig as a deadly weapon, and the other girls had no idea who would take this one.

And we were like…

After the lip sync, the drama continued as Roxxxy had the breakdown we’ve been waiting for all season. She revealed how she never feels good enough or wanted, and that her mother left her at a bus stop when she was 3 and she remembers it like it was yesterday.

Ru teared up and spread her wisdom, and, as we all hoped, announced that the girls (unlike Vivienne and Honey) both showed her the hunger and passion that they have to win, and neither was eliminated.

Seriously…does anyone have a tissue…or a cigarette…

On a more serious and sad note, the drag community lost one of the fiercest entertainers, Erica Andrews, Monday night before the episode aired on Logo. Erica was Roxxxy’s drag mother, and we know she would have been so proud of her for performance. Our thoughts go out to Roxxxy and the entire House of Andrews.

RIP Diva ❤

So Dragcited

This week the girls were girls were mini-challenged to apply their face in a total blackout.

How this was done, we don’t even know.  We were pretty sure that Coco Montrese thought nothing of this challenge, seeing as how she probably gets dressed and made up in the dark anyway….

Somehow, Detox beat her face to near perfection and won the mini challenge. Though Alaska should have gotten some serious points for creativity, the lipstick-smeared-on-your-cheek-and-teeth is really in this year…in Pittsburgh…maybe.

For the main challenge, Ru channeled his inner Michael Jackson as the leader of a supergroup who had to write and record their own 80’s anthem, “We Are the World” style, called “Can I Get an Amen”.

In a veiled (pun!) attempt at boring us with even more of Coco and Alyssa’s drama, Detox paired the quarreling queens together, resulting in some WE DON’T CARE.

Coco and Alyssa were assigned the first verse of the song, Jade, Ivy and Jinkx got the next verse, and Rolaskatox got to write the bridge. Really smart move – the bridge is where you shake things up a bit.

Coco started throwing all kinds of whiney shade (apparently that’s her move) about how UNFAIR it all was and how Detox was RUINING HER LIFE  by making her go first and pairing her with snaggle face.

After some more babbling about how her looks have to be more polished than everyone else’s and she spends 8 thousand nights a week on stage in Las Vegas because she’s Miss Gay USNobody…we still didn’t care.

On the other hand, Alyssa, who can’t even sing, had fun with the challenge and the judges appreciated her attempt.

But the true glory of the music video were Ivy and Jinkx who could SANGGGG and belted their pipes in their verse and provided killer riffs over Ru’s chorus.

Jade Jolie Flop

Jade was mellow on set, with Roxxxy and Detox also failing to bring it, but Alaska was fierce and serving 80’s humor that went apparently unappreciated by the judges.

Can I get an Amen - Alaska

THE RUNWAY

Runway

The BeltersJinkx Monsoon RunwayJinkx Monsoon
Hilarious, yet she contoured a bit too much, but she threw some serious shade Michelle’s way with a hilarious campy look, not to mention she yawned like she was OVER all of the tired ass glamour comments from her.

Detox Icunt Runway Detox
Detox looked sleek and slender, but then bitch really brought it home when she turned around to get caught in one of the biggest crack deals in FBI Herstory.

Roxxxy Andrews Runway Roxxxy
Roxxxy was serving bodyodyody with a side dish of massive hair, blowing the guest judges away.

Ivy Winters RunwayIvy
Ivy really nailed this look by making a dress entirely out of photos of herself giving face, face, face. Talk about a diva. We loved every minute of it, and she looked flawless

The Off KeyJade Jolie Runway

Jade
We’re so sorry sweetheart because you are a lovely girl…but why? Just why? Muppet hair doesn’t grow on boobs for a reason. At least when Rainbow Brite went through puberty, the bitch had the decency to trim.

Alyssa Edwards RunwayAlyssa
This week really served….zzZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzZZZzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…..

Coco Montrese Runway

Coco
Let’s leave it to Sharon from now on, shall we?

The Autotuned (just okay)

Alaska Thunderfuck Runway Alaska
We love you girl, but you have to be able to pummel the runway. You in chainz, honey.

The girls were mostly read to filth, with the exception of Ivy, who won the challenge. Jinkx was criticized yet again by Michelle (jealous much?). Alaska was called out for putting too much focus on being part of a clique and not worrying enough about herself, and for the first time was compared by the judges to her ladyboyfirned Sharon Needles, who they said had more of a heart.

Ivy won the challenge (yayyyy) and Coco and Jade fell into the bottom two, having to perform the Pointer Sisters’s Legendary “So Excited.”

coco JADE

Both really amazed with the energy they brought to the song. Jade’s body hair was twirling all over that stage, but unfortunately for the young starlet, Coco brought it up to the next level, and Jade went sashaying away.

Stay tuned for next week when the girls have to channel their inner comedienne to roast RuPaul herself!