V for Very Sickening: Season 5

Alright hookers. We’re back and ready to read this new set of contestants, the house down. Is it us, or does every season get more and more epic? Get into it.

After having a couple of months to warm up to this set of queens, we’re happy to say that (for the most part) they didn’t disappoint.

Our favorite entrances?

Detox made us queen (bee) OUT.

Also, hiiiiiii, can we TALK about Alaska’s gallop into the workroom. YAS.

Vivienne Pinay put us to work with her adorable dress and red shoes. Is it us, or does this bitch channel some Jujubee/Ongina lovechild rillness? That can only mean one thing – we’re obsessed.

IVY

Ivy Winters made a statement, warning the other queens to take caution because she will trample them all with her STILTettos.

Of course, the most dramatic entrance was Coco Montrease’s. Not because she looked sickening (it was just meh), but because they cued up their best slow-mo and Michael Bay soundtrack for our first morsel of drama this season. Apparently, Coco Montrease and Alyssa Edwards have some beef. And we can’t wait to find out because ZZzZzZzz.

Sorry, we pulled a Jynkx. We fell asleep because we realized that we don’t care what happened between them.

Coco is like that drunk spinster aunt who got most of her money by swindling men into marrying them and promptly divorcing them. Alyssa Edwards looks like an aardvark with fetal alcohol syndrome. We’d care more if they were prettier.

As usual, the first challenge was a photo shoot by the ever so dreamy Mike Ruiz. We gotta say, though…we miss the scruff, papi. The challenge called for each of the queens to teabag themselves into a tank representing RuPaul’s mouth.

Our favorite photos from the challenge were by far Vivienne (such poise!), Lineysha (high fashion fish!) and the challenge winner Detox (lookatdat sting-hay-gurl-hay!).

Photo shoot challenge winner and queen bee, Detox

Alaska gave up mid-dunk. We definitely had a Tyra Banks moment watching this

but it’s still early and she has time to redeem herself.

The Runway

After some casual dumpster diving (normal) and with the help of that fucking liar Camille, the queens stomped down the runway in their Hollywood Glamor Realness!

The Good:

Lineysha
Bitch, could you tell that she made this out of WALL PAPER? We couldn’t. She looked so elegant and her makeup looks flawless.

  Roxxxy
Our favorite of the night – and it looks like Ru and the judges agreed with us. It’s hard to pull off looking edgy and polished the way that Roxxxy has with this outfit. And oh my god, the paint job on her face. YAS!

Alaska
We know the other girls are gunning for this bitch. But you know what? She’s fierce. We don’t care who her boyfriend is and we don’t care how long it took her to get on the show. The other girls may call her a one-trick pony, but we like this trick. This dress looks designer, despite having been in a dumpster. Our only issue is with her inability to walk. Queens need to stomp!

Wrong Wrong Wrong!

Coco Channel was rolling in her grave with half of these queens. She always said “always take one thing off before leaving the house.” These hookers could have done with taking off at least five things before hitting the stage.

Penny Tration
No.

Alyssa Edwards
She should have taken half of her outfit off. Please. It was an eye sore.

Jade Jolie
We love Jade. She’s cute and we have seen some FIERCE looks from her on and off the show. But girrr, her outfit was not working. We would have taken off the shoes (no thanks, Dorothy!), the head piece and the NBC peacock on her shoulder. Ding, ding, wrong.

Serena Chacha
Serena, half the point of drag is to make us believe you have a chacha. Better queens have hit the runway without breasts and with a boyish look – Raja mastered it. But what Raja accomplished that Serena didn’t was compensating by looking fierce, elegant and feminine in other areas.

When the time had come for season V’s first LSFYL, Penny dated herself, and, unfamiliar with what the kids were listening to in Summer 2009, fell victim to Serena’s party in the USA. Bye Bye Penny, we didn’t hate you, but your runway look was a mess, you had side burns, and you obviously didn’t want this enough to learn a few lyrics.

We are SO excited for this season. Martin loves the fishy queens and Justin has a feeling that the competition will be tighter than the average tuck. How do you think this season will go?

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