It’s the RuPocalypse, Y’all!

by [J]ustin and [M]artin

The end of the world is such a drag.

First and foremost, we have to say that we don’t know what we were doing with our lives between last season’s finale and last night. From the moment Willam walked in and opened that irritating, cocky mouth of hers to the moment Ru strutted down the runway to the sound of her hit, “Covergirl”, we finally felt at home.

Last night’s season premiere of RuPaul’s drag race was undoubtedly the best of all four seasons. Here’s why.

The moment that the queens first walk into the workroom is like the drag-world equivalent of the Roman Colosseum; each contestant enters one at a time and slowly scopes out the competition, quietly plotting how to Nancy Kerrigan the other queens in the knees.

The first queen we meet is “the actor,” Willam. Born and raised on the set of Sex and the City to mother, ugly-footed SJP, and father Kim Cattrall, Willam can’t seem to go more than a second without reminding us that she’s an actor and she’s never done anything desperate or lascivious to be the A-list actor that she is. She actually has a new movie with Julia Roberts coming up this summer, which is why she’s on RuPaul’s Drag Race. It’s all about the promo in this business.

Next we meet Lashauwn Beyond and Jiggly Caliente. Now, we’re starting to think that Jiggly’s “Meet the Queens” video didn’t do her justice. She was flat, boring and sauntered a lot. But here we see a bubbly plus-sized diva and we might be warming up to her.

Before we know it, the entire cast arrives and RuPaul finally makes her entrance.

The queens have a lot more at stake this year. Along with the usual Nyx Cosmetic and Al & Chuck travel prize, these bitches are fighting weave and nail for ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND EFFING DOLLARS. Jesus. Kind of makes us upset that we don’t wear dresses for a living.

But wait….Ru also comes bearing some bad news – the RuPocalypse is upon us and these queens have to do their best to survive the shaaade of it all. That’s when Ru drops the atomic bomb that sets the queens off. In comes the Pit Crew. With a box.

Could it be? No…not again? Not two years in a row…

SHANGELA LAQUIFA WADLEY. Uh uh. NO way. NO how.

For those of you who didn’t watch last season…or the one before that….Shangela was the one and only queen to be given a second chance and return to the race the next season. These new contestants are not here to mess around, so you could definitely cut the tension in the workroom with a stiletto when Shangey was seemingly getting a third chance at the crown.

But Ru, being the tricksy one that she is, reminds us that she’s the queen bitch in charge and she can do whatever she mother f**kin wants, so she sends Shangela packing.

The girls go on to compete in their first challenge, the ceremonial photo shoot with the legendary photographer Mike Ruiz. Someone needs to speak with someone in the RPDR wardrobe department about the heinous outfit choice for this photo shoot.



But if the outfits weren’t sign enough that the end of the world was definitely coming, the fact that Jigglypuff wins the photoshoot challenge certainly is.

The girls must then steal outfit supplies from former contestants dressed as zombies outside of an old hotel to construct their first ever runway outfits.

We immediately spot out Raven, Ongina, Pandora Boxx, Nina Flowers, Shannel, Raja and Delta Work – all of whom are giving us some fierce undead realness. Except for Raven who is so flawless that she just went as herself.

After surviving the RuPocalypse, the girls head back to the work room to begin working on their Till the World Ends couture.

Most of the queens instantly choose Sharon Needles as the weakest of the bunch. God forbid someone have edge and flare. But she doesn’t stand center-shade for too long because despite all of the Sharon Needles haterade, Chad and Princess instantly befriend her.

Ru comes into the work room and assesses the queens’ progress on their “post apocalaptic” couture.

The Princess seems to be assembling a tutu. Because the only things that will survive the end of the world as we know it will be cockroaches, Cher, and ballerinas.

Sharon’s outfit is looking good – she seems like she will be able to stay true to herself while also doing what it takes to please the judges. This is a trait that very few contestants have ever possessed, as most queens sacrifice their personal style and flare to make the judges happy.

Lashauwn decides that she will wow the judges with Magellin-inspired Armageddon chic, consisting mostly of a siren, bottles of sweat and a globe on her head.

And then we get a peek at Jigglypuff’s outfit. Sigh. Ok, Jiggly. This. It. Like…what poor homeless person was abducted and severed to make this outfit? Of all the outfits we have seen, this is by far the hottest of messes. She literally slapped toole, denim and a prosthetic leg together and presented it to Ru freakin’ Paul. That’s like proudly showing Tim Gunn a dress made out of a potato sack. (Update: that actually happened. We’ll think of another analogy)


Alisa Summers proceeds to bore both RuPaul and us with a few straps of pleather thrown together to excentuate her rubber cleavage. Meh.


Latrice’s outfit seems to be coming together. We can see the direction she’s going in with it and it seems to be fitting to what the challenge requires. After some prodding from Ru, Latrice opens up about going to prison and losing her mother while she was locked up. She reminds us, though, that she is a fighter. So let’s see her make some skinny bitches cry!

After making her rounds, Ru announces the extra special guest judge: the mistress of darkness herself, Elvira. Obviously Sharon Needle shits her panties.

Then the queens bond a bit. To sum it up:

  • Jigglypuff’s mother passed away (sad),
  • PhiPhi inflicts her insecurities on Sharon (bitchy),
  • The Princess hits on Sharon (awkward)
  • and Alisa tells us about how she got a DUI in drag and it ruined her life (try not driving drunk in drag…or at all).

Part two: ONTO THE RUNWAY.

Bring Me My GURLS

by [Martin] and [J]ustin

Hello Lady boys and girls!!

Here we are, just one week away from the premiere of season four (believe it or not) of the deliciously ferocious reality phenomenon, RuPaul’s Drag Race.

We don’t know about you, but we have been waiting for this since last year’s dramatic finale when season 3 winner, Raja, single-handedly snatched the wigs from every basic bitch of the season.

Unfortunately, there are some voids that Drag U can’t fill.  Lucky for us though, because Logo has given us a taste of what this season’s contenders are all about, and we have to say…this is going to be a SICKNING season.

Check out the thirteen queens competing to win the coveted title of The Next Drag Queen Superstar, along with our take on who we think will be filling out the stilettos of Queen Bebe, Empress Raja and that other one… and who will just have to sashay the f**k away.

The Princess
Hailing from Chicago, this bald glamazon is the product that one might get after putting Amber Rose, Ongina and the tolerable parts of Raven into a giant pink blender. She loves performing in Nebraska, Nashville and other places that don’t really exist. We have a good feeling about this one – she looks good, she stands poised and she is the best thing that has happened to glitter lips since Yessica Wile. Will this princess be the true heir to Ru’s throne?

Jiggly Caliente
Sigh. First of all, stand like a real diva, Jigglypuff. Not like a fat girl who’s on the verge of prairie dogging.

Second. She made a lamp shade out of a curtain and somehow convinced herself that it would make a great skirt.

Unsurprisingly, Jigglypuff does not have a club night in her hometown of New York City. And much like her Pokemon counterpart, this chimichonga is putting us to sleep. Gone by episode 3.

Willam
The first thing that Willam wants us to know about her is that she has a Twitter.
The first thing that we want you to know about Willam is that she has a beard.
We have an inkling that she might be the bitch of this season – partially because she herself believes this, but also because the psychotherapists in us see a good amount of room for insecurity in this one. Our one request is that “rotten!” does NOT become a catchphrase this season.

Phi Phi O’Hara
Another contender from Chi-Town, PhiPhi strikes us confident and poised. But for an optician, she can’t seem to see that her boobs are smudging. We see her placing somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Latrice Royale
Mistique has come back to RuPaul’s Drag Race after a year-long sabbatical in which she somehow ended up swallowing James Earl Jones. A self-proclaimed club kid (James St. James just rolled over in her K-hole), Latrice is the umpteenth big girl to claim that she is exponentially better than the skinny bitches. Somewhere in LA Raja is laughing at these heifers, wearing her crown as she feasts over a Tic Tac dinner.

Dida Ritz
Season 4 is allllll about Chicago. Dida Ritz is serving some Fembot realness here and we are into it. We can’t wait to see this queen whip her hair back. And. Forth.

Chad Michaels
Ok. We cannot wait to see Chad slay these basic bitches and glue gun them to her outfits like a head on a spit.  Chad is not only known as THE best Cher impersonator, she has also been confused for being the “Song for the Lonely” songstress herself.

Chad is confident, seasoned and will make some of these queens wish they could turn back time and have never been born.

Kenya Michaels
Drag Race has always made sure to have at least one Boricua queen in its roster. Kenya, much like her Rican predecessors, is incredibly happy to be here and has actually purchased a Rosetta Stone just for the occasion.   Will she come out on top? Will she hit puberty before the finale? Time will tell, chongas. Time will tell.

Lashauwn Beyond
Wake us up when she gets kicked off. We shouldn’t be out for too long.

Madame La Queer
Yassss! First of all, we have to say that she is servin’ up some Yessica and Nina Flowers realness, only she’s significantly more aggressive. (Is she vogueing at us right now?) Madame strikes us as a jack of all trades, out for blood to seek revenge for the eliminations of her Puerto Rican sisters. Mark her words, queens – she is “not nervious” about competing – she works at the mall, after all.

Milan
Milan is that adorable girlfriend you had in high school who you were too ashamed to say “blowjob” in front of. God forbid you ever make her blush. We’re not sure that she’s cutthroat enough to land in the top three, but she strikes us as having enough lasting power for us to really get to know her better. We love that her mother is, essentially, a drag queen. That must be where she got those killer cheekbones from (even if she does look a little bit like a Dia de los Muertos skeleton).

Sharon Needles
What can we say? If this bitch doesn’t come close to winning it will only fuel the Pandora Boxx Conspiracy, where the funny girls always finish last. Sharon Needles had us in stitches from the second she opened her rusty, dusty mouth. We really hope this one turns it out – she’s quirky, hilarious, and really freakin’ weird.

Alisa Summers
If we’ve learned anything in the first three seasons of drag race, it’s that any girl who claims to be “always nice” is actually “always a raging bitch.” You can tell that she’s incredibly pretty, despite what her Jimmy Neutron wig might imply in this clip. Speaking of things that are way too large…holy tuck job…

There you have it, tranny chasers. This season’s thirteen contestants. We couldn’t be more excited…and we have a feeeeeling (*said in Ru voice*) that this season might be just as good, if not better than fan favorite season 2.

We will be your weekly guide to the race, so check back every Tuesday for our recap. And for those of you in New York City…we’ll see you at the screening at Boxers.

In the mean time…You. Betta. WORK

Introducing J&M

J&M is inspired by all of the rants and unsolicited opinions that Justin and Martin have been riddling their friends with for years.

J&M sassily interprets TV, music, drag queens and other things that Americans hold near and dear. The authors promise to never hold back.

[J]ustin
Justin invented the rant before it became popular back in the 80s. A bit of culinary aficionado, Justin will be dishing some Top Chef realness. Cher is his number one diva, so you know he’s not here for basic bitches who need to be snapped out of it.

[M]artin
The first thing you need to know about Martin is that when he stans, he stans hard. So if you don’t particularly like Britney Spears, How I Met Your Mother or RuPaul, Martin has one thing to say to you:

Other obsessions: pop music, Northeastern cities and Lucky Charms.

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Contact us at JMQuips [at] gmail [dot] com