OOH NO SHE BETTA DON’T!

GIRRRRR, last night’s episode was on point! Or stilts, if you’re Ivy Winters.

It’s only the second episode of the season and these girls have come harder than we’ve ever seen.

This week was all about the art of the lipsync, kicking off with a mini-challenge not for the faint of DSL’s. Ru had the girls put their lips through a RuPaul-themed glory hole and LSFYL to three of her hits – Tranny Chaser, Ladyboy, and Peanutpeanutpeanutpeanutpeanutbutter.

Serena, Ivy and Detox won the mini challenge and each picked three different teams for the main challenge. That’s when Ru blessed us with one of the most genius challenges yet:  the girls had to recreate iconic scenes from Untucked by playing former RPDR royalty and lipsyncing to spoken word.

Vivienne and Lineysha brought it as Tatianna and Tyra (respectively) in the wedding dress challenge (why you tawkin?!), while Coco Montrese revived the only good thing Lashauwn Beyond ever did, and reminded us that this is not Rupaul’s Best Friend Race.

The secret star of the main challenge was Roxxxy, who could have been Mariah Paris Balenciaga and you’d never even know it wasn’t the real her, while Alyssa and Jinkx KILLED it as Shangela and Mimi Imfurst.

Alaska and Detox’s recreation of the infamous Phi Phi vs Sharon Untucked fight also had us gagging, with Alaska looking like an over-baked, messier Snooki…so…basically an exact replica of PhiPhi. We wish her voice had the capacity to squeal ten octaves higher like PhiPhi’s, but she still turned it.

THE RUNWAY
On the runway, everyone but Serena ChaCha turned it out. The real stars of this runway were the guest judges, Kristen Johnston and Juliette Lewis. The highlight was when Kristen READ Santino to Jujubee levels of filth at the judge’s table.

The “YAAAASSS”

Roxxxy
Certainly we weren’t the only ones who were oddly turned on….right? We were living for this sexy, juicy couture (cooter if you’re adventurous). Santos wants to call her Chewbaca…which is ironic because we were pretty sure he was James Earl Jones’s understudy in his Vader days.

Ivy
Serving STILTettos for days, Ivy had our jaws on the floor with her outfit. Truth be told, Ivy is an artist – between her fire breathing, stilts and other wacky pieces we’ve seen from her, we think she has the talent to go far in this competition. Not to mention, she is one of the nicest drag queens like..ever. Between Ivy and Jade, this runway was a full ring circus.

Jade Jolie
There’s only two types of people in the world: the sickening, and the Serena Chachas. Jade Jolie is one of the former.

We’re pretty sure that she snatched this out of Britney’s closet while B was at Starbucks. All we can say is…can we have one in Martin’s size?

Jinkx Monsoon 
We just love Seattle’s youngest MILF. We love her energy and her personality. As friend of J&M, White Chocolate Drizzle, said, Jinkx Monsoon gave us some Fifth Element rullness this week. We live!
Jinkx Monsoon Runway

Like…no

Serena Chacha
You could go parachuting in those abuelita panties.

Serena Chacha runway

Monica Beverly Hillz
We’re glad Monica got this out of the clearance section from the Ricky’s Halloween store before they closed for the year.

Monica Beverlyhillz runway

Honey Mahogany
Florence Henderson, what are you doing here and what’s wrong with your boobs?
Honey Mahogany Runway

When it came down to it, Monica Beverly Hillz was read for not bringing the ghetto attitude everyone remembers from Jiggly Caliente, and she confessed her deepest secret in a highly emotional moment, and what we were all expecting from this queen: she’s a transgendered woman.

After Ru reminded Monica that at the end of the day she is in the competition because she is fierce, Monica brought the house down in the LSFYL against Serena ChaCha. Everyone can direct their thank you notes directly to Monica Beverly Hillz for finally sending that little rugrat home.

We have to say, after this week, it really is anybody’s game. These queens brought it, and all have talent in their own right. As Coco Montrese reminded Serena in Untucked, these queens don’t have time for little boys, and they will eat them alive.

It’s still early, but we’re dying to know…who’s in your top three right now?

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We’re Baaaaaaaaaaaack

by [J]ustin and [M]artin

Well, kind of.

Christmas in July came for us RPDR fans when we were treated to a teaser for the first ever season of RuPaul’s All Stars Drag Race.

And no one knows how to hype up to an amazing season of TV better than Rusus.

Up until now, the cast has been a complete secret, our only clues being a black-lit preview of the competing queens, obscured faces and illuminated wigs, lashes and accessories being our only clues to their identities.

We now have confirmaysh of the final roster, and bitches, it is time to tuck and cover because it is about to get severe up in here, as some of the toughest competitors of the past four years hit the stage to turn it out. again.

Allow us to put on our reading glasses:

SEASON 1

Tammie BrownThe quirky Tammie Brown is in town. Tammie Brown couldn’t quite break the dawn and was eliminated second in season 1 by Akasha’s sinus infection. Sort of. In actuality, she didn’t know the lyrics to some godawful Michelle Williams song and just kinda gave up during her Lipsync For Your Life. She was something of a train wreck, but at the same time had a look unlike anything we’ve seen since she was on the show. We’re oddly fascinated by this one, so we’re not complaining about her return. But it probably won’t be long before we’re over our fascinaysh and start to want the real competition to start (sans her, if you haven’t caught our drift).

Shannel

The original bitch is back and her name is Shannel. Shannel is by far one of the most seasoned queens the show has ever seen and one most love to hate. In season 1 she was critiqued for being too much of an ice queen and never really showing she could be vulnerable (you have to remember that this was before Raven came along). But who could forget the epic LSFYL (that’s Lipsync For Your Life for you newbies) to Whitney’s “Greatest Love of All” when her Medusa headpiece “fell off” mid-belt? Needless to say, the bitch turned it and set the standard for LSFYL’s for the entire series. Shannel has the visual look to work the runway and a boat-load (or as we say in the RPDR world, a Mystique Summers Madison-load) of confidence, but it remains to be seen if she can compete with the girls of later seasons who raised the bar even higher.

Nina Flowers
Last but not least, Nina Flowers is back and ready to get LOCA. After coming in second in season 1, Nina, who is easily one of the most original and talented of all RPDR queens ever, is back and out for blood. We love her edgey, “is it gothic/is it not?” style and her unparalleled makeup skills, and herkind-heartedness offstage coupled with her on stage ferocity makes her one of the top queens to beat in our opinion.
SEASON 2

Pandora BoxxPandorrrraaaaaa Boxx, our first resident funny lady is back in action and ready for the race. After her elimination was coined the most controversial by Entertainment Weekly, it comes as no surprise that she’s back for another chance. Pandora comes to us as the fan’s choice winner – she was originally a very close second to Sharon Neeldes, who dropped out of All Stars. As much as we love Ms. Needles, we’re glad it worked out this way because Pandora is one queen we definitely want to keep watching. She’s definitely got the comedic chops and knows how to work an audience, but will need to pull off more than just comedy if she wants to make it to the top 3 this time around. Her biggest criticisms in her season were about her wardrobe, so let’s hope she makes Santino eat his words this time around. And maybe she can key his car a little for us in the process.

Jujubee
What a sin!!! Up next is our beloved Bostonian, Jujubee (and she is STILL here)! This fabulous gay-sha returns to the race after coming in 3rd place in season 2. One of the all time fan faves, Jujubee showed off her lip syncing skills thrice, snatching the wigs off the likes of Sahara Davenport (um YAS at that “Black Velvet” LSFYL), Pandora Boxx, and Tatiana. And who could ever forget her leg-and-dairy read of the other queens during the shade-throwing, library card holding, reading challenge. Juju was sadly eliminated in the top 3, disappointing a lot of RPDR fans who hoped that season 2 would crown a queen with personality. But we have a feeling she’ll really make it far again in All Stars.
Raven
The last queen from season 2 is runner up, Raven. One of the fiercest queens the show has ever had, with one of the nastiest attitudes. We knew we’d see Raven again in All Stars, and we are quite curious to see which queens will feel her wrath this time around. We’re not going to lie, her constant maiming of Tatiana was unnecessary and unflattering, but we hope she lets the likes of Mimi Imfurst or Alexis Mateo’s receding hairline really have it. Regardless, you can expect this dark lady to serve it up this season.
SEASON 3

Mimi Imfurst
Welcome back the plus sized “funny” lady, Mimi Imfurst. Can’t lie, this spot should have gone to someone else. Really…anyone else, and we can think of a whole bunch (Jessica Wild, Ongina, Mariah, Delta, Tatiana…WILLAM) would have been better. Mimi will likely cry once she realizes that her weight loss now makes her even less funny than before, causing her to get DQ’d a la Willam once the producers find out that she’s been getting Chick Fil A delivered to her hotel room, which everyone knows is like a performance enhancer for self-loathing fat gay men. Either that or Raven will unhinge her jaw and swallow her whole. Mimi was eliminated after picking up India Farrah during a LSFYL…and we would love to see her even TRY with one of these other queens.

Yara Sofia
Hecha hecha hecha p’alante! Yara Sofia is back and we could not be more excited. Yara was one queen who had plenty of talent and never truly got to show it off. Unfortunately, this queen compromised a lot of her true style during the competition (just Google her and see what we mean). Coming in fourth, who could forget when Yara was eliminated after breaking down in tears in the middle of her lip sync. Still, an expert makeup artist with body for days, Yara better be coming for these queens.

Alexis Mateo
BAM! Alexis Mateo is back and we don’t care. She’s boring, not that great, and fell incredibly flat in the top 3 next to Manila and Qween Raja. We’re not sure if it’s her tired pageant drag, or her inability to emote anything other than that stupid grin, but she just does not do it for us. Again, would have loved to see someone else here, but while she was able to get through season 3 (which had limited competition) this season’s queens won’t be as forgiving.
Manila Luzon
The only Heather to return for All Stars, Manila Luzon is back for her second chance at the crown. While Manila may not be our favorite queen (she’s kind of annoying tbh), the bitch can turn it, and we expect to see more original looks walk down that runway. Manila’s given us an unforgettable LSFYL and we expect her to bring it one more time.
SEASON 4

Latrice Royale
 Latriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice! The large and in charge, chunky yet funky, big bold and beautiful, what can we say, but we want some more, Latrice motha f**kin Royale will be returning to our screens this Fall. A huge fan favorite, Latrice proved to be the first big girl who really wowed us with her poise, polish, and personality, reminding us that Jesus is a biscuit and he will sop you up! We have high hopes for this queen, but it will definitely take some new looks and originality for Latrice to take down some of these other competitors.

Chad Michaels
And last but not least, Motherdust Chad, the lady pimp, Michaels will be back for All Stars. One of the best queens in drag race history (hell, in DRAG history!) the only thing that stood in Chad’s way of a wouldabeen obvious win was the now legendary Sharon Needles. One of the nicest queens we’ve ever met, Chad is perfectly self-aware and carries herself with the dignity we expect in our next drag superstar. She’s coming back to make herstory yet again,and with the way she pummeled the stage in her final LSFYL last season, the crown is hers for the taking.

That’s it lady boys! All 12 queens competing in all stars, unless of course a 13th queen pops out of a box (and we are praying to Ru for Willam) this will be the lineup. From a personal standpoint, we would love to see the top 3 consist of Jujubee, Nina Flowers, and Chad Michaels. But with such a fierce line up (give or take a Mimi), it really is anybody’s game.

We hope you enjoyed this little taste of the All Stars to come as much as we did. Be sure to check back in a couple of months when All Stars stars (and the drama) continues!

Rupaul’s All Stars Drag Race premieres this October on Logo