If You Teach a Fish to Read

OMFG PEOPLE. If you missed this week’s episode what in Ru’s name were you DOING?

Like seriously you better have a great excuse. You better have been curing all of the children of cancer. All of them.

For this week’s mini challenge it was a field trip to everyone’s favorite place – the LIBRARY, HUNTIES.

For the reading challenge, the girls served some serious humor and read each other to shreds, but it was Alaska who pummeled the rest of the girls into the ground and won the advantage of being able to place the other girls in order for the main challenge.

The girls were told it was a comedy challenge, but not just any live comedy challenge – the first ever RuPaul Roast!

The Roast

No one was safe when it came to the roast, not the judges, not the other girls, but the main event was the reading of RuPaul herself. Ru was basically like here’s this shovel call me when your grave is dug so i can slaughter you.

The girls read Ru in front of a live audience, so they RULLY had to bring it.

Nonetheless, the challenge was hilarious! The guest judges were little Leslie Jordan (see Beverly Lesley from Will and Grace) and Jeffrey Moran (this tired old queen again?)

Alaska opened the show hilariously, attacking Lesley and then coming for Ru’s age – the judges thought she was hilarious, but needed to dig deeper since she was opening the show, and they weren’t crazy about her outfit always looking so similar (like Alaska…we love you. seriously, we LOVE you…but gurl…you do know there are more than 1 wig in the world right? Like there are others…for sale…like you can buy them…)

Jinkx was also hilarious (obvs) and Michelle had the audience on pins and needles when she finally revealed that she loved Jinkx’s outfit for the first time and she was so proud of her for bringing the glamor.

Coco was hilarious as well, thought not our favorite, as Ru’s long lost hoodrat cousin. But bitch looked the part and delivered the jokes with such sincerity that they worked.

Detox was middle of the pack, though humorous, but Ivy, Alyssa, and Roxxxy really failed to get many laughs from the judges or the audience. Painful to watch, but unsuprising.

When it came time to Lip Sync For Their Lives, Ivy was safe, and Alyssa and Roxxxy had to come for each other to the legendary Willow Smith: “Whip My Hurzes” (for the non drag queens, Hurzes translates to “Hair.” Read a book.)

So we’re sitting there, waiting, the song starts, Roxxxy shimmies her skirt down it’s all looking cute. And then…

Yes. Yes people. Roxxxy pulls her hurzes off to reveal ANOTHER WIG and proceeds to whip her hurzes the house DOWN.

Meanwhile…Alyssa brought it too, using her wig as a deadly weapon, and the other girls had no idea who would take this one.

And we were like…

After the lip sync, the drama continued as Roxxxy had the breakdown we’ve been waiting for all season. She revealed how she never feels good enough or wanted, and that her mother left her at a bus stop when she was 3 and she remembers it like it was yesterday.

Ru teared up and spread her wisdom, and, as we all hoped, announced that the girls (unlike Vivienne and Honey) both showed her the hunger and passion that they have to win, and neither was eliminated.

Seriously…does anyone have a tissue…or a cigarette…

On a more serious and sad note, the drag community lost one of the fiercest entertainers, Erica Andrews, Monday night before the episode aired on Logo. Erica was Roxxxy’s drag mother, and we know she would have been so proud of her for performance. Our thoughts go out to Roxxxy and the entire House of Andrews.

RIP Diva ❤

So Dragcited

This week the girls were girls were mini-challenged to apply their face in a total blackout.

How this was done, we don’t even know.  We were pretty sure that Coco Montrese thought nothing of this challenge, seeing as how she probably gets dressed and made up in the dark anyway….

Somehow, Detox beat her face to near perfection and won the mini challenge. Though Alaska should have gotten some serious points for creativity, the lipstick-smeared-on-your-cheek-and-teeth is really in this year…in Pittsburgh…maybe.

For the main challenge, Ru channeled his inner Michael Jackson as the leader of a supergroup who had to write and record their own 80’s anthem, “We Are the World” style, called “Can I Get an Amen”.

In a veiled (pun!) attempt at boring us with even more of Coco and Alyssa’s drama, Detox paired the quarreling queens together, resulting in some WE DON’T CARE.

Coco and Alyssa were assigned the first verse of the song, Jade, Ivy and Jinkx got the next verse, and Rolaskatox got to write the bridge. Really smart move – the bridge is where you shake things up a bit.

Coco started throwing all kinds of whiney shade (apparently that’s her move) about how UNFAIR it all was and how Detox was RUINING HER LIFE  by making her go first and pairing her with snaggle face.

After some more babbling about how her looks have to be more polished than everyone else’s and she spends 8 thousand nights a week on stage in Las Vegas because she’s Miss Gay USNobody…we still didn’t care.

On the other hand, Alyssa, who can’t even sing, had fun with the challenge and the judges appreciated her attempt.

But the true glory of the music video were Ivy and Jinkx who could SANGGGG and belted their pipes in their verse and provided killer riffs over Ru’s chorus.

Jade Jolie Flop

Jade was mellow on set, with Roxxxy and Detox also failing to bring it, but Alaska was fierce and serving 80’s humor that went apparently unappreciated by the judges.

Can I get an Amen - Alaska

THE RUNWAY

Runway

The BeltersJinkx Monsoon RunwayJinkx Monsoon
Hilarious, yet she contoured a bit too much, but she threw some serious shade Michelle’s way with a hilarious campy look, not to mention she yawned like she was OVER all of the tired ass glamour comments from her.

Detox Icunt Runway Detox
Detox looked sleek and slender, but then bitch really brought it home when she turned around to get caught in one of the biggest crack deals in FBI Herstory.

Roxxxy Andrews Runway Roxxxy
Roxxxy was serving bodyodyody with a side dish of massive hair, blowing the guest judges away.

Ivy Winters RunwayIvy
Ivy really nailed this look by making a dress entirely out of photos of herself giving face, face, face. Talk about a diva. We loved every minute of it, and she looked flawless

The Off KeyJade Jolie Runway

Jade
We’re so sorry sweetheart because you are a lovely girl…but why? Just why? Muppet hair doesn’t grow on boobs for a reason. At least when Rainbow Brite went through puberty, the bitch had the decency to trim.

Alyssa Edwards RunwayAlyssa
This week really served….zzZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzZZZzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…..

Coco Montrese Runway

Coco
Let’s leave it to Sharon from now on, shall we?

The Autotuned (just okay)

Alaska Thunderfuck Runway Alaska
We love you girl, but you have to be able to pummel the runway. You in chainz, honey.

The girls were mostly read to filth, with the exception of Ivy, who won the challenge. Jinkx was criticized yet again by Michelle (jealous much?). Alaska was called out for putting too much focus on being part of a clique and not worrying enough about herself, and for the first time was compared by the judges to her ladyboyfirned Sharon Needles, who they said had more of a heart.

Ivy won the challenge (yayyyy) and Coco and Jade fell into the bottom two, having to perform the Pointer Sisters’s Legendary “So Excited.”

coco JADE

Both really amazed with the energy they brought to the song. Jade’s body hair was twirling all over that stage, but unfortunately for the young starlet, Coco brought it up to the next level, and Jade went sashaying away.

Stay tuned for next week when the girls have to channel their inner comedienne to roast RuPaul herself!

The TuckCracker

This week, the girls cut a mug and showed us that they have all the right moves in an episode all about the art of dance.

During the Disco-themed mini challenge, Ru proved that he’s still the Dancing Queen,while the girls had to werq to “Jealous of My Boogie (Ruru & Rozy Disco Mix)”, with Jinkx and Coco winning the dance off and the spots of team captains.  Take a seat, Beyonce.

Ru challenged the queens to channel their inner Natalie Portwomen and put on a ballet production of RuPaul’s life, “No Rupologies,” calling each of them to portray characters in Mother Drag’s legendary life.

For the 2nd week in a row, Vivienne was put on a team with Roxxxy, and for the first time let us know how much she could not stand her. Vivienne, no one cares that you don’t like Roxxxy because she wants all eyes on her…If you don’t want all eyes on you, you are not America’s Next Drag Superstar, you are just another basic bitch, and you need to go home.

The standout queens for us this week were Alaska and Alyssa – Alaska killed the role of Ru’s mother by serving the most dramatic face we’ve seen in a drag minute (appx.= 1 mortal hour).

While Alyssa used her dancer background to her advantage and slayed the runway with her version of evil Ru.

The queens performed their ballet for two big dance show alums – “So You Think You Can Dance’s” Travis Wall and “Dancing With The Stars’s” Chaz Bono.

Not that we needed to be reminded.

THE RUNWAY
RPDR Runway

The Beautiful Swans

Detox RW
Detox
This bitch keeps giving us high fashion and consistently delivers killer looks to the runway.

Jinxk Monsoon RW

Jinkx Monsoon
Jinkx served us The Fame era Gaga and we were gagging on her steampunk power romp. The judges didn’t eat it up but um…what do they know?

Alaska RW
Alaska
Sweety, dahhhling!! We were living for this look. It was the perfect blend of Fran Drescher glam, AbFab eleganza and Pittsburgh trash

The Ugly Ducklings

Honey Mahogany RW

Honey Mahogany
Now we know that Honey clearly doesn’t care about her look…like…at all…but the bedsheets have gotten tired. We’ve been saying this for weeks, and tonight was no different, Honey is boring and one of the few remaining queens that can’t contend.

Vivienne Pinay RW

Vivienne Pinay
Vivienne Pinay was basic at best on the runway, it was simple, plain, and didn’t show us any talent, not to mention she bored us in the ballet. As fishy as she is, she is not giving us the over the top fashion or larger than life personality that a good drag queen can turn out in her sleep. Also, Vivienne, you’re gorgeous but you are not THE fishiest or most beautiful. Her name is Tatianna, THINK YOU.

Lineysha RW

Lineysha Sparx
Hear us out. Yes, she is outstanding from an aesthetic standpoint, but we’re afraid she has a bit of the Latrice Royale gown fever. It’s just a lot of the same every week. Worst of all, though, is that her personality is “meh” at best, language barrier or not.

Now, our favorite question of every season! The girls were asked to say who they’d like to send home and why. While mostly everyone said Vivienne and Honey (and let’s be rihannest, those two are the two remaining that don’t have a chance), Alyssa threw Jade under the bus, and she wasn’t even on stage to defend herself. That did not impress us.

In the end, it fell to Honey and Vivienne (shocking…) to LSFYL to the legendary “Oops!…I Did It Again” and within seconds we could tell neither of them had the drive to pull out all the stops. We were like…

Yas it’s a Britney song!

But…wait..oh…

How they managed to F this song up, we don’t know…but ladies, here’s a lesson on how to do it right:

The entire crowd at Boxers NYC was shouting to send them both home, and low and behold, Ru made herstory yet again by asking both of them to sashay away!!!!!


So queens, beware. Desecrate the legacy of the Godney and you will incur the wrath of the drag godesses.

Next week, the Snatch Game! Who do you think will go home next?

It’s a Beautiful Day In The Gayborhood

This week, following the totally necessary and unsurprising elimination of Serena Cha Cha, who no one will miss or care for ever again, Ru made the girls channel their best Sesame Street acting chops. Somewhere in New York City, Manila Luzon is wearing her Big Bird costume, sipping wine out of a Teletubbies sippy cup in a dimly lit room while putting safety pins through a RuPaul doll.

For the mini challenge, Ru had the girls bring their future spawn to life and turn them into Honey BooBoo wannabees for a little ladyboy’s drag show.

Far and away the leaders of this challenge were Team Detox (portraying a hilarious Rachel Zoe) and Roxxxy, and Team Alaska and Lineysha, but let’s all be Rihannest for a second…Alaska carried them, and they won the mini challenge.

For the main challenge, the girls had to split in teams of two led by Lineysha and Alaska to create children’s shows. And of course, in RPDR style, the shows were filled with more sexual innuendo than PeeWee Herman and Spongebob combined, and had to include a fun song, a word of the day, and a life lesson.

Alaska’s team was pretty hilarious, with the exception of Monica Beverly Hillz who fizzled…again. Can we just say, the bitch had her lines in front of her in a book and she couldn’t read them. 5 G’s please. Thanks.

Alaska’s character, Buffalo Bill, was read to filth by the judges for not appearing in drag. But how can it have been all that bad if she was paying homage to the fiercest mother tucker of our generation; have we all forgotten Buffalo Bill’s man-gina? We’re fairly certain he pioneered the tuck in the 90’s. Ancient Chinese secret? Yeah, okay.

Ru and Michelle were way too hard on Alaska – she can obviously DO drag, what does she need to prove? Also with the way some of them were dressed it was obvious no one cared about their looks. If she had thrown a mop on her head and called it a wig no one would have blinked twice.

Meanwhile Detox’s chicken wiped the floor with Raven’s incarnation from the season 2 country acting challenge.

Jinkx Monsoon also nailed the challenge, and later revealed that her grandma bought her her first pink wig at 17, and is one of the biggest reasons she’s been able to do drag so long.

Such a beautiful story, no?

Up next, what we hoped to be the biggest shade since Beyonce sold Kelly and Michelle to Satan himself for her career, turned out to be exactly what we were, in fact, expecting: boring trite drama between tired old queens. Alyssa and Coco started fighting and whining about something that no one cares about. After some swearing and finger pointing, all we know is that we’re officially team Alyssa.

THE RUNWAY

LIVING!

Roxxxy, Alaska, and Detox
On the runway, Rolaskatox killed it (as expected), and all were mostly in the top, with Detox taking the win. Whether or not Alaska was top or bottom was never really confirmed. They hated her boy drag, but lived for her runway look.

Honorable Mention

Jinkx Monsoon
The outfit could have gone either way, but we do have to say that we adore Jinkx. There’s a very sincere quality about her that we love.

NURSE!

Screen shot 2013-02-12 at 11.56.44 AMHoney MahogaNO
We’re over this one. She doesn’t impress us, especially when she comes out stampeding like an elephant in a pink maternity moo moo. Honey should take some pointers from a much more sick’ning drag queen, Aquadisiac, to learn how to really model walk.

Monica Beverly Hillz RunwayMonica Beverly Hillz
No thanks. The flower thing around her neck was too busy – did she not take note when Serena ChoCha got read for her choke collar? Unfortunately, she’s way too flat to be in this competition.

Vivienne Pinay runway

Vivienne Pinay
Okay, let’s be real. This is just a tutu. She looked cute and we really like her, but she’s relying too much on face and not enough on the rest of the package the winner should have.

The bottom spots went to Monica Beverly Hillz and Coco Montrese, after the most ridiculous ventriloquist dummy performance of all time.

When it came down to the LSFYL, to quote Michelle Visage, Coco was no joke, and tore it up with her performance of “When I Grow Up.” As annoying as we find Coco, bitch turned it, and Monica needed to go home.

Now all that’s left is to see Honey mahogany sashay away before it’s really anyone’s game.

OOH NO SHE BETTA DON’T!

GIRRRRR, last night’s episode was on point! Or stilts, if you’re Ivy Winters.

It’s only the second episode of the season and these girls have come harder than we’ve ever seen.

This week was all about the art of the lipsync, kicking off with a mini-challenge not for the faint of DSL’s. Ru had the girls put their lips through a RuPaul-themed glory hole and LSFYL to three of her hits – Tranny Chaser, Ladyboy, and Peanutpeanutpeanutpeanutpeanutbutter.

Serena, Ivy and Detox won the mini challenge and each picked three different teams for the main challenge. That’s when Ru blessed us with one of the most genius challenges yet:  the girls had to recreate iconic scenes from Untucked by playing former RPDR royalty and lipsyncing to spoken word.

Vivienne and Lineysha brought it as Tatianna and Tyra (respectively) in the wedding dress challenge (why you tawkin?!), while Coco Montrese revived the only good thing Lashauwn Beyond ever did, and reminded us that this is not Rupaul’s Best Friend Race.

The secret star of the main challenge was Roxxxy, who could have been Mariah Paris Balenciaga and you’d never even know it wasn’t the real her, while Alyssa and Jinkx KILLED it as Shangela and Mimi Imfurst.

Alaska and Detox’s recreation of the infamous Phi Phi vs Sharon Untucked fight also had us gagging, with Alaska looking like an over-baked, messier Snooki…so…basically an exact replica of PhiPhi. We wish her voice had the capacity to squeal ten octaves higher like PhiPhi’s, but she still turned it.

THE RUNWAY
On the runway, everyone but Serena ChaCha turned it out. The real stars of this runway were the guest judges, Kristen Johnston and Juliette Lewis. The highlight was when Kristen READ Santino to Jujubee levels of filth at the judge’s table.

The “YAAAASSS”

Roxxxy
Certainly we weren’t the only ones who were oddly turned on….right? We were living for this sexy, juicy couture (cooter if you’re adventurous). Santos wants to call her Chewbaca…which is ironic because we were pretty sure he was James Earl Jones’s understudy in his Vader days.

Ivy
Serving STILTettos for days, Ivy had our jaws on the floor with her outfit. Truth be told, Ivy is an artist – between her fire breathing, stilts and other wacky pieces we’ve seen from her, we think she has the talent to go far in this competition. Not to mention, she is one of the nicest drag queens like..ever. Between Ivy and Jade, this runway was a full ring circus.

Jade Jolie
There’s only two types of people in the world: the sickening, and the Serena Chachas. Jade Jolie is one of the former.

We’re pretty sure that she snatched this out of Britney’s closet while B was at Starbucks. All we can say is…can we have one in Martin’s size?

Jinkx Monsoon 
We just love Seattle’s youngest MILF. We love her energy and her personality. As friend of J&M, White Chocolate Drizzle, said, Jinkx Monsoon gave us some Fifth Element rullness this week. We live!
Jinkx Monsoon Runway

Like…no

Serena Chacha
You could go parachuting in those abuelita panties.

Serena Chacha runway

Monica Beverly Hillz
We’re glad Monica got this out of the clearance section from the Ricky’s Halloween store before they closed for the year.

Monica Beverlyhillz runway

Honey Mahogany
Florence Henderson, what are you doing here and what’s wrong with your boobs?
Honey Mahogany Runway

When it came down to it, Monica Beverly Hillz was read for not bringing the ghetto attitude everyone remembers from Jiggly Caliente, and she confessed her deepest secret in a highly emotional moment, and what we were all expecting from this queen: she’s a transgendered woman.

After Ru reminded Monica that at the end of the day she is in the competition because she is fierce, Monica brought the house down in the LSFYL against Serena ChaCha. Everyone can direct their thank you notes directly to Monica Beverly Hillz for finally sending that little rugrat home.

We have to say, after this week, it really is anybody’s game. These queens brought it, and all have talent in their own right. As Coco Montrese reminded Serena in Untucked, these queens don’t have time for little boys, and they will eat them alive.

It’s still early, but we’re dying to know…who’s in your top three right now?