The RuPocalypse Runway

By [J]ustin and [M]artin

Alright, racers. Let’s get to it, shall we? 

This week’s guest judges included A-List photog, Mike Ruiz, and Queen of the Night, Elvira. We’ve gotta say that we LOVED Elvira as a judge. She’s essentially a seasoned drag queen herself and she had us cracking up with her sassafrass.

And of course, we have Ru’s bottom bitch, Michelle Visage, and queen of the monotone, Santino Rice.

But lest we EVER forget who the real Queen is here. RuPaul had us GAGGING with her eleganza on the runway. Three successful seasons of Drag Race, one talk show, several dance hits, and a repertoire of allusions for days and we’re wondering whether or not the Supermodel of the world is even human.

Now, bring us our girls! The queens prepare to hit the stage and we hear the first beats of Ru’s newest single, Glamazon, and the girls know they’re entering the jungle. Most of the girls were forgettable but there were some definite highlights…

Up first, WIllam and her uniboob strut down the runway, revealing a secret gas mask on the back of her head. You know…just in case her stank face ever gets to be too much to handle.

The Princess floats down the runway after failing to blow up her life vest during the Rupocalypse. Fortunately for Princess, she was able to save herself from drowning with Alisa’s giant breastplate (see below).

Oh Alisa. The world would truly be a scary place if breasts actually look like this. Let’s also talk about the tin foil on the back of her neck (it’s redicalus).

Kenya. YASS mama. We loved this. Keyna is all about face and she is absolutely letting us HAVE it in her first runway walk. This bitch could be wearing a moomoo and she’d still look rully damn good. (Sidenote: kudos to the clever segment producer who threw in the “she’s so bloody tall” line from Glamazon over her strut).

Latrice Royale’s outfit wasn’t that memorable, but she earned honorable mention because her face is beat to DEATH.

Of all the queens that fell in the middle (see below), Milan is the one that deserved to be in the top of the crop. Her outfit was burnt, shredded, and flawless, and we loved every inch of it. Not to mention, she made that runway her bitch.

Apparently, a garbage truck threw up a chubby Filipino girl outside the set of RuPaul’s Drag Race and she stumbled onto the runway. Try again, hunty.
Finally the moment we’ve been waiting for, Gene Simmons’ drag spawn in the form of Sharon Needles. This blood guzzling runway strut shut the bitchy, fishy little queens up once and for all. BRAVO, SHARON.

The girls are then split into two groups: the top/bottom and the dead middle of the pack, the latter of whom are asked to leave the stage. But as they begin to strut away, Ru turns to the safe girls and LET THEM HAVE IT, unleashing her inner Miranda Priestly.

Oh, ladies. While you’re back there…you may want to think about ways to make a more memorable impression next week…That’s all.

OUCH. We were watching this live from Boxers NYC and the bar went NUTS.

Ru threw more shade than a redwood forest and we were actually kind of shocked! She has never in her life been one to mess around, but she is making it known to the queens and the fans that she is going to make these bitches work harder than ever for the title.

The top and bottom six came as no surprise. And given that Sharon Needles is out for blood (literally), it also came as no surprise that she won the first challenge. Boxers went wild again.

Now, Sharon has been one of our favorites right from the start, but we were expecting a lot of hate to come her way because she’s just so different. But we were pleasantly surprised to see that all the other people at the bar were just as obsessed with her as we are.

By the time Ru calls the bottom two, Jiggly and Alisa, we thought it was really anyone’s game. After all, both of their outfits are equally hein.

Ru cues the music.

HOLY SH*T!! The queens have to lipsync for their lives to TOXIC. (Martin begins to convulse at this point)

Alisa falls asleep on stage and Jigglypuff is unexpectedly ready to perform flawless choreography to Britney’s “Toxic.” She KNEW the ACTUAL choreography (or at least the gist of it, according to Martin).

Justice is FINALLY served on drag race. The boring pretty queen with nothing to offer goes home first and the creative funny one throws the shade right back in the face of her fellow contestants. Jigglypuff proves she isn’t just an apocalypse survivor, but she caused it.

She pulled out all the stops on this one and totally deserved it when Ru told her that she could Shante stay.

We have to say that we were thrilled by this season premiere. These queens are, for the most part, all likable and each one of them brings something different to the table. But they are also some of the most cutthroat bitches we’ve seen in a while.

We have such a good feeling about this season. Strap in gurls – this race is about to hit the 6th gear.


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