It’s the RuPocalypse, Y’all!

by [J]ustin and [M]artin

The end of the world is such a drag.

First and foremost, we have to say that we don’t know what we were doing with our lives between last season’s finale and last night. From the moment Willam walked in and opened that irritating, cocky mouth of hers to the moment Ru strutted down the runway to the sound of her hit, “Covergirl”, we finally felt at home.

Last night’s season premiere of RuPaul’s drag race was undoubtedly the best of all four seasons. Here’s why.

The moment that the queens first walk into the workroom is like the drag-world equivalent of the Roman Colosseum; each contestant enters one at a time and slowly scopes out the competition, quietly plotting how to Nancy Kerrigan the other queens in the knees.

The first queen we meet is “the actor,” Willam. Born and raised on the set of Sex and the City to mother, ugly-footed SJP, and father Kim Cattrall, Willam can’t seem to go more than a second without reminding us that she’s an actor and she’s never done anything desperate or lascivious to be the A-list actor that she is. She actually has a new movie with Julia Roberts coming up this summer, which is why she’s on RuPaul’s Drag Race. It’s all about the promo in this business.

Next we meet Lashauwn Beyond and Jiggly Caliente. Now, we’re starting to think that Jiggly’s “Meet the Queens” video didn’t do her justice. She was flat, boring and sauntered a lot. But here we see a bubbly plus-sized diva and we might be warming up to her.

Before we know it, the entire cast arrives and RuPaul finally makes her entrance.

The queens have a lot more at stake this year. Along with the usual Nyx Cosmetic and Al & Chuck travel prize, these bitches are fighting weave and nail for ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND EFFING DOLLARS. Jesus. Kind of makes us upset that we don’t wear dresses for a living.

But wait….Ru also comes bearing some bad news – the RuPocalypse is upon us and these queens have to do their best to survive the shaaade of it all. That’s when Ru drops the atomic bomb that sets the queens off. In comes the Pit Crew. With a box.

Could it be? No…not again? Not two years in a row…

SHANGELA LAQUIFA WADLEY. Uh uh. NO way. NO how.

For those of you who didn’t watch last season…or the one before that….Shangela was the one and only queen to be given a second chance and return to the race the next season. These new contestants are not here to mess around, so you could definitely cut the tension in the workroom with a stiletto when Shangey was seemingly getting a third chance at the crown.

But Ru, being the tricksy one that she is, reminds us that she’s the queen bitch in charge and she can do whatever she mother f**kin wants, so she sends Shangela packing.

The girls go on to compete in their first challenge, the ceremonial photo shoot with the legendary photographer Mike Ruiz. Someone needs to speak with someone in the RPDR wardrobe department about the heinous outfit choice for this photo shoot.

But if the outfits weren’t sign enough that the end of the world was definitely coming, the fact that Jigglypuff wins the photoshoot challenge certainly is.

The girls must then steal outfit supplies from former contestants dressed as zombies outside of an old hotel to construct their first ever runway outfits.

We immediately spot out Raven, Ongina, Pandora Boxx, Nina Flowers, Shannel, Raja and Delta Work – all of whom are giving us some fierce undead realness. Except for Raven who is so flawless that she just went as herself.

After surviving the RuPocalypse, the girls head back to the work room to begin working on their Till the World Ends couture.

Most of the queens instantly choose Sharon Needles as the weakest of the bunch. God forbid someone have edge and flare. But she doesn’t stand center-shade for too long because despite all of the Sharon Needles haterade, Chad and Princess instantly befriend her.

Ru comes into the work room and assesses the queens’ progress on their “post apocalaptic” couture.

The Princess seems to be assembling a tutu. Because the only things that will survive the end of the world as we know it will be cockroaches, Cher, and ballerinas.

Sharon’s outfit is looking good – she seems like she will be able to stay true to herself while also doing what it takes to please the judges. This is a trait that very few contestants have ever possessed, as most queens sacrifice their personal style and flare to make the judges happy.

Lashauwn decides that she will wow the judges with Magellin-inspired Armageddon chic, consisting mostly of a siren, bottles of sweat and a globe on her head.

And then we get a peek at Jigglypuff’s outfit. Sigh. Ok, Jiggly. This. It. Like…what poor homeless person was abducted and severed to make this outfit? Of all the outfits we have seen, this is by far the hottest of messes. She literally slapped toole, denim and a prosthetic leg together and presented it to Ru freakin’ Paul. That’s like proudly showing Tim Gunn a dress made out of a potato sack. (Update: that actually happened. We’ll think of another analogy)

Alisa Summers proceeds to bore both RuPaul and us with a few straps of pleather thrown together to excentuate her rubber cleavage. Meh.

Latrice’s outfit seems to be coming together. We can see the direction she’s going in with it and it seems to be fitting to what the challenge requires. After some prodding from Ru, Latrice opens up about going to prison and losing her mother while she was locked up. She reminds us, though, that she is a fighter. So let’s see her make some skinny bitches cry!

After making her rounds, Ru announces the extra special guest judge: the mistress of darkness herself, Elvira. Obviously Sharon Needle shits her panties.

Then the queens bond a bit. To sum it up:

• Jigglypuff’s mother passed away (sad),
• PhiPhi inflicts her insecurities on Sharon (bitchy),
• The Princess hits on Sharon (awkward)
• and Alisa tells us about how she got a DUI in drag and it ruined her life (try not driving drunk in drag…or at all).

Part two: ONTO THE RUNWAY.