Bring Me My GURLS

by [Martin] and [J]ustin

Hello Lady boys and girls!!

Here we are, just one week away from the premiere of season four (believe it or not) of the deliciously ferocious reality phenomenon, RuPaul’s Drag Race.

We don’t know about you, but we have been waiting for this since last year’s dramatic finale when season 3 winner, Raja, single-handedly snatched the wigs from every basic bitch of the season.

Unfortunately, there are some voids that Drag U can’t fill.  Lucky for us though, because Logo has given us a taste of what this season’s contenders are all about, and we have to say…this is going to be a SICKNING season.

Check out the thirteen queens competing to win the coveted title of The Next Drag Queen Superstar, along with our take on who we think will be filling out the stilettos of Queen Bebe, Empress Raja and that other one… and who will just have to sashay the f**k away.

The Princess
Hailing from Chicago, this bald glamazon is the product that one might get after putting Amber Rose, Ongina and the tolerable parts of Raven into a giant pink blender. She loves performing in Nebraska, Nashville and other places that don’t really exist. We have a good feeling about this one – she looks good, she stands poised and she is the best thing that has happened to glitter lips since Yessica Wile. Will this princess be the true heir to Ru’s throne?

Jiggly Caliente
Sigh. First of all, stand like a real diva, Jigglypuff. Not like a fat girl who’s on the verge of prairie dogging.

Second. She made a lamp shade out of a curtain and somehow convinced herself that it would make a great skirt.

Unsurprisingly, Jigglypuff does not have a club night in her hometown of New York City. And much like her Pokemon counterpart, this chimichonga is putting us to sleep. Gone by episode 3.

Willam
The first thing that Willam wants us to know about her is that she has a Twitter.
The first thing that we want you to know about Willam is that she has a beard.
We have an inkling that she might be the bitch of this season – partially because she herself believes this, but also because the psychotherapists in us see a good amount of room for insecurity in this one. Our one request is that “rotten!” does NOT become a catchphrase this season.

Phi Phi O’Hara
Another contender from Chi-Town, PhiPhi strikes us confident and poised. But for an optician, she can’t seem to see that her boobs are smudging. We see her placing somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Latrice Royale
Mistique has come back to RuPaul’s Drag Race after a year-long sabbatical in which she somehow ended up swallowing James Earl Jones. A self-proclaimed club kid (James St. James just rolled over in her K-hole), Latrice is the umpteenth big girl to claim that she is exponentially better than the skinny bitches. Somewhere in LA Raja is laughing at these heifers, wearing her crown as she feasts over a Tic Tac dinner.

Dida Ritz
Season 4 is allllll about Chicago. Dida Ritz is serving some Fembot realness here and we are into it. We can’t wait to see this queen whip her hair back. And. Forth.

Chad Michaels
Ok. We cannot wait to see Chad slay these basic bitches and glue gun them to her outfits like a head on a spit.  Chad is not only known as THE best Cher impersonator, she has also been confused for being the “Song for the Lonely” songstress herself.

Chad is confident, seasoned and will make some of these queens wish they could turn back time and have never been born.

Kenya Michaels
Drag Race has always made sure to have at least one Boricua queen in its roster. Kenya, much like her Rican predecessors, is incredibly happy to be here and has actually purchased a Rosetta Stone just for the occasion.   Will she come out on top? Will she hit puberty before the finale? Time will tell, chongas. Time will tell.

Lashauwn Beyond
Wake us up when she gets kicked off. We shouldn’t be out for too long.

Madame La Queer
Yassss! First of all, we have to say that she is servin’ up some Yessica and Nina Flowers realness, only she’s significantly more aggressive. (Is she vogueing at us right now?) Madame strikes us as a jack of all trades, out for blood to seek revenge for the eliminations of her Puerto Rican sisters. Mark her words, queens – she is “not nervious” about competing – she works at the mall, after all.

Milan
Milan is that adorable girlfriend you had in high school who you were too ashamed to say “blowjob” in front of. God forbid you ever make her blush. We’re not sure that she’s cutthroat enough to land in the top three, but she strikes us as having enough lasting power for us to really get to know her better. We love that her mother is, essentially, a drag queen. That must be where she got those killer cheekbones from (even if she does look a little bit like a Dia de los Muertos skeleton).

Sharon Needles
What can we say? If this bitch doesn’t come close to winning it will only fuel the Pandora Boxx Conspiracy, where the funny girls always finish last. Sharon Needles had us in stitches from the second she opened her rusty, dusty mouth. We really hope this one turns it out – she’s quirky, hilarious, and really freakin’ weird.

Alisa Summers
If we’ve learned anything in the first three seasons of drag race, it’s that any girl who claims to be “always nice” is actually “always a raging bitch.” You can tell that she’s incredibly pretty, despite what her Jimmy Neutron wig might imply in this clip. Speaking of things that are way too large…holy tuck job…

There you have it, tranny chasers. This season’s thirteen contestants. We couldn’t be more excited…and we have a feeeeeling (*said in Ru voice*) that this season might be just as good, if not better than fan favorite season 2.

We will be your weekly guide to the race, so check back every Tuesday for our recap. And for those of you in New York City…we’ll see you at the screening at Boxers.

In the mean time…You. Betta. WORK

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One thought on “Bring Me My GURLS

  1. Perhaps, Tom and I are shallow but the discussion of which queens look better as queens and which look better as men seems to happen every year. (For those of you who don’t know, Tom and I are the Sahara/Manilla of Mission Hill, Boston minus the drag and personality.)

    Martin, you made it known that Tom and the Princess are awfully similar. Naturally, Tom’s response went something like this… “Well, the Princess is the best looking as a MAN.” I happen to think Phi Phi is the hottest man. Hands down. Move ’em around.

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